fantomNews™ — the ultimate know

Another retro piece floating up again from the deep vaults of SEO history: Published this piece in fantomNews (then only available as an ezine) back in 2002 – but check for yourself how much has actually changed since then. (Hint: not much – though the term “Google Dance” seems to have fallen off the face of the earth now.)

Again, it’s unedited minus some minor typos. Enjoy!

Preface

Thou shalt accept unequivocally and unwaveringly that Google is King and Queen and Emperor and the Mother of All Search Engines. So shalt thou strive to make Google happy and content and avoid Its wrath like the plague It is.

1. I am the Lord thy Google who will lead thee into Search Engine Heaven if only thou obeyest and heedest Me and My commandments unwaveringly, and if on top of that thou applaudest even the intellectually most challenged and trivial of My PR stunts such as Mine Holiday Logos or My Mother’s Day pictures or Mine SEO advice pages. Those, however, who dare to Think For Themselves, or those who will Criticize My divine will, or those who will deem Mine Holiday Logos talentless and My PR gimmicks tasteless and pointless, or those even whom I Love Not simply because so it pleases Me, shall I toss into the foulest depths of eternal Search Engine Hell, never to recover from Mine utter chastisement. Their web sites shall be barren and forgotten and untrafficked until the end of time. For I alone shall define business practices and ethics requirements for thee and thy breed. Thou shalt not have other search engines before Me.

2. Thou shalt not reverse-engineer My ranking algorithm or attempt to inflate My PageRankâ„¢ for thine own or thy clients’ web sites by signing up for link farms or any other link popularity enhancing programs I refuse to define at this place and at this point in time. For I the Lord thy Google am a jealous Search Engine, visiting the iniquity of the home sites upon the mirror sites and the Shadow Domainsâ„¢ unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate Me. And showing mercy unto thousands of them that cringe before Me, and keep My commandments to the dotcom without ever making bold to question Mine ulterior motives.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy Google in vain in thought, word or deed, lest thou shouldst run afoul of Mine almighty index ban policy.

4. Remember the days of the Google Dance, to keep them holy and free from page submissions. Thou shalt rely alone on My spiders to find thy pages at their own whimsy, and ne’er shalt thou question the faulty logic of My PageRankâ„¢ nor My positioning of thy pages.

5. Thou shalt not scavenge My bandwidth by employing automatic rank checking software lest I shall ban thine IP from Mine index forever. Neither shalt thou promote, discuss or mention in public any such program or service or other software displeasing to Mine eye, nor shalt thou link to it in any way, or I shall visit My wrath upon thee day and night and assign to thy pages the dreaded PR0.

6. Thou shalt offer an “unconditional money-back guarantee” to thy clients. For the love of Me the Lord thy Google shalt thou not heed the costs of site development on clients’ behalf, the hours spent on in-depth keyword research, the resources devoted to advising clients on how to style and layout their pages or any other services offered to clients by thine SEO agency: surely shalt thou bear the brunt of the risk and the labor, and thou shalt rejoice therein, even if thy clients should fleece thee braindead in this manner. For I the Lord thy Google have ordained such in Mine infinite wisdom and, thus, so mote it be.

7. Thou shalt not write or publish or contrive, and be it only in thought, any positive articles on cloaking or doorways or link exchanges or any other practices abhorrent to Me the Lord thy Google, for verily, I am a jealous Search Engine.

8. Thou shalt heartily recommend thy competitors to any client or lead inquiring about them in the most glowing of terms. If thou shouldst lose their business in the process, thou shalt not grieve or make bold to curse My clueless ethics guidelines. Rather, thou shalt rejoice in the warm, fuzzy good Google karma this will surely bestow upon thee. And get an honest nine-to-five job somewhere else instead to make ends meet lest thy children should starve therefrom.

9. Thou shalt bear witness against all thy competitors, spying and snitching and ratting on them whenever thou perceivest a purported spam causing grief to Mine index and My corporate ego. And My profits. For thus shalt thou spare Me labor and the expense of attending to Mine Own job. And if thou wilt not lay it to heart to give glory to My name in this manner, behold, I will corrupt thy ranking, and spread dung upon thy name, and castigate thee as unethical, and thine SEO agency shall be damned and misranked in all eternity. For verily, I am a jealous Search Engine.

10. Lest thou shouldst run afoul of My wrath, and lest I – as has always been Mine own free pleasure – have not told thee the whole story by a long shot, thou shalt rely on thine instincts and on mere hearsay in all other matters SEO. And may the stochastic grace of the Lord thy Google be with thee, and may it guide thee in this for want of other clear-cut rules of the game. For Mine online support team resteth not except when challenged to reply by the likes of thee.

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